I’m not sure I’ll be good at this. What if I don’t like it? What if I realize this isn’t for me?
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9 years ago my first child was born & those were the thoughts going through my head. I think about this every year on his birthday. How unsure, scared, and full of self-doubt I was. How just having those thoughts meant that I was not going to be a good mom.
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Aren’t #goodmoms supposed to be filled with love the moment they lay eyes on their child? Because I wasn’t… he looked like an alien & it was odd to me that I grew a human and now was holding him. (Seriously, think about it, it’s weird)
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Aren’t #lovingfamilies supposed to be excited about the prospect of a new arrival? Mine sort of was & sort of wasn’t. I had step kids with moms who all had their own ideas of what a new arrival meant to them. There was fear, stress, and uneasiness.
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Aren’t #stepmoms supposed to love their husband’s kids as if they are her own? Because I didn’t and I actually don’t think that anyone in the situation would have been ok with it if I did.
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In the last 9 years, I have been challenged more times and in more ways than I can count. There are many things I have not done well & even more things I’ve totally f*d up.
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If I *could* change anything from the past, I wouldn’t take away the challenges. The #hardthings shape us into the humans we’re meant to be.
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I would, however, change how horrible I was to myself through those challenges. I caused myself (and the people around me) a lot of heartache by not believing in myself & my innate goodness.
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I am learning to be kind to myself even if/when surrounded by a #shitstorm of other people’s thoughts about who I’m #supposedtobe. I’m able to find my center, my goodness, and walk through the storm.
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I don’t think I’d have these abilities without the challenges.
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Then there’s this: I sat down to write a happy birthday post to my son. This is what my weird, wandering, self-reflective brain came up with. I thought about deleting it but that’s what the #oldme would have done.
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#hbdtothepersonwhomakesmewanttolovemyselfmore #wearenotthesame #thatismorethanok #youcan #loveyourself #throughyourflaws #imperfecthumans #aremypeople
